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HotelKatz

Ah! my goddess: What if

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HotelKatz    46
HotelKatz

I'm going to try to make this week's chapter a one-shot, but it seems like it might wind up as a multi-parter...

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HotelKatz    46
HotelKatz

I'm starting to think I'm unable to write one-shots... :sad2:

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IdiAmeanDada    46
IdiAmeanDada

I assume you are trying to be consistent with your chapter sizes. If you can wrap the whole thing up in 9000 words (a little over 2 of your average chapters?) then I would do it that way.

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HotelKatz    46
HotelKatz

yeah, I do try to be consistent with my chapter sizes. I aim for 2000-3000 words.

As much as I'd like to write a chapter off 9000 words, which I really do believe would solve my problem of being unable to write a one-shot at the moment, I want to keep with my self-imposed schedule more. So I guess I'm just venting at the moment at having so many stories/chapters that are incomplete.

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HotelKatz    46
HotelKatz

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IdiAmeanDada    46
IdiAmeanDada

Hehe, you asked for it. :)


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"So not only did the Auto club lost out on some money they really needed, but there was also the other part of the deal." -> So not only did the Auto club lose

“Dammit, Morisato! Whyja put Belldandy's membership up if you could lose!?” -> You're call on this one, buy Whyja would read a little better as Why'd ja.

“I bet you lost on purpose! Why should we even have you still be p[art of the Auto Club?” -> there is a [ in part.

"There was slight tqitches here and there all over Keiichi's face as he scowled at Tamiya." -> There was slight twitches

"Otaki was taking steps away from Keiichi because of the look on Keiichi's face." My beta gets me for this all the time. reads better as Otaki was taking steps away from Keiichi because of the look on the boy's face. Or something like that. Its awkward to use the same noun or name in the same sentence.

"Otaki was trying to break away from Tamiya grasp to escape Chihiro's wraith." -> wrath

"The Four Wheels Club new clubhouse was at the other end of Nekomi technical college." -> The Four Wheels Club's new clubhouse was at the other end of Nekomi Institure of Technology.

“But I insist on showing you around,” -> You can shorten this to something like "Oh, but I insist!". Maybe also have him grab her arm. Thats something he wold definitly do. That in combination with his insistance would probably fit better with the following part.

"Hiro then left the room." -> Satisfied, Hiro turned and left.

“And Aoshima knows about it and dangles it over Hiro's head,” A -> Was there something else to be said here? Or is the 'A' just a type-o?

"But as soon as she left the room," -> repeating the same action. Maybe say this: "As she stpped into the hallway..."

"But at the Moment," -> moment

"In the back of Belldandy's mind, there was a small part of her that was starting to resent Tamiya." -> I can see that she might, but does she even have a resentful bone in her body? :)

"associated with him, Only did it just to get " -> associated with him only did it just to get

Since he and Otaki run low on money and then making the next race the only way to get more money just about all the time, Aoshima probably used it to his benefit,” -> This is a little awkward, may want to revise.

“Thank you and I hope you cheer up soon!” -> this is ok, but might be better that she says something to the affect that Belldandy will be home later to cheer him up, maybe with a meal? Then adjust the following paragraphs accordingly.

"She let out a sigh as she briefly remembered some of the stories from some of the other wish-granting goddesses. how many people used their wish to make their neighbors, friends, and family be as worse off as themselves." -> She let out a sigh as she briefly recalled stories from some of the other wish-granting goddesses about how many people used their wish to make their neighbors, friends, and family be as worse off as themselves.

"IT was enough to stop Aoshima in his tracks." -> It

"as a strong feeling to not insult the Auto club for awhile" -> as a strong feeling to not insult the Auto club for awhile came over him.

"Getting a feeling that her Mini-self was nearby" -> Detecting that her mini-self was nearby. Lots of 'feeling' in the previous sentance.

"Aoshima asked, When " Just a minor issue with punctuation here.

"Belldandy glared again at Aoshima, but it was stronger than the previous glare." -> looking back up in this section, I did not see that she was already glaring at him. Belldandy locked the Four-Wheels club manager in a chilling glare.

"Aoshima uttered, as he walked backwards to the door. He turned around and quickly headed to his office." -> Aoshima uttered as he backpeddled. When he reached the door, he bolted through it and disappeared.

“You want to inspect the vechiles and the track" - Vehicles

"creating a few more Mini-Belldandys. Staring that the first Mini-Belldandy, Belldandy asked, “is there anything else he spoke of" -> Suggest having all the new Chibi forms bound off to their respective tasks now instead of later, leaving the first.

"“I... I think something went wrong here....” Belldandy muttered, reaching for the angry Mini-Belldandy. The angry Mini-Belldandy dodged Belldandy's hands." -> again, a little overuse of the same names. Try to think of other ways to describe them. For bell, when she is alone, instead of saying her name twice in a sentance, describe her as 'the goddess' the second time around.

"Belldandy made a mental note to watch a movie with Keiichi later and cuddle up to him during the movie." -> and cuddle up to him as they did.



Edited by IdiAmeanDada

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HotelKatz    46
HotelKatz

Thank you! I'll make the changes later today!

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IdiAmeanDada    46
IdiAmeanDada

Had a WhatIf idea earlier today, not sure if its on your list already or not.

What if Keiichi called the Earth Assistance line and got Peorth on his first wish?

And the follow up:

What if Keiichi got Belldandy on his second wish?

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IonDragonX    6
IonDragonX

Had a WhatIf idea earlier today, not sure if its on your list already or not.

What if Keiichi called the Earth Assistance line and got Peorth on his first wish?

And the follow up:

What if Keiichi got Belldandy on his second wish?

If he called Peorth first, he'd probably try to get her to go away without having any wish granted. She would have tortured him with pleasures of all kinds in a vain attempt to get him to commit to a wish. In this kind of story, Belldandy would never have appeared because his would not have held a true heart-felt wish to call her.

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HotelKatz    46
HotelKatz

Had a WhatIf idea earlier today, not sure if its on your list already or not.

What if Keiichi called the Earth Assistance line and got Peorth on his first wish?

And the follow up:

What if Keiichi got Belldandy on his second wish?

While the first question is on my list, Multiple people asking the same question does increase the chances of me writing the chapter. As for how it would go.... Well, I'll think about that when I think of the rough outline next week saturday.

If he called Peorth first, he'd probably try to get her to go away without having any wish granted. She would have tortured him with pleasures of all kinds in a vain attempt to get him to commit to a wish. In this kind of story, Belldandy would never have appeared because his would not have held a true heart-felt wish to call her.

Because the fic is what-if, I can take certain liberties as long as I don't go too far with out-of-character-ness. Besides, Keiichi was a bit of a different person in the early chapters. He smoked in the first chapter and for quite a few chapters, he thought about scoring with Belldandy quite a bit. He might have very well taken Peorth up on her temptations if she had been the one to grant his wish back then. (Note- I'm not writing any sex scenes. I might imply them, but I'm not writing them.)

As for the scenario that involves the two questions...

I could use the fact that Belldandy watched Keiichi before going to him to grant him a wish and then have the what-if story use some rule that because Belldandy observed him just a tiny bit longer than what was permitted, she cannot grant any wishes until she has passed an inspection to make sure that she isn't obsessed with him in an unhealthy manner. While she does pass the inspection, she rushes to her phone to be there in time to be the one to grant Keiichi a wish. But alas, she gets there a moment too late and Peorth is the one selected to grant Keiichi a wish. Peorth, due to the fact she is in a state of disliking Belldandy quite a bit and knowing about the reasons for Belldandy's inspection, does her best to influence Keiichi to get him to unknowingly wish for something that would bother Belldandy.

As for the second question to be able to be answered... Perhaps have a bit of a time skip and have Urd learn about what happened. She goes to talk the almighty with the intention of getting him to allow Belldandy to go down and and see if Peorth is willing to allow Belldandy to take over Keiichi's wish, only for Urd to learn that Keiichi somehow qualifies for a second wish and that Belldandy is the one selected to grant it. Now I just have to think of what wish for Belldandy to grant in this situation.

Edited by HotelKatz

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IdiAmeanDada    46
IdiAmeanDada

I like the first scenario. Can see where the relationship would be quite empty. Because of the lack of a connection between the two, the sealing of his desires may not be in effect.

The second question, don't need to get overly complicated. Could be presented just as simply as it was in cannon. There is something missing in the relationship and a second wish is granted to correct. In this case, it would be "True Love". Hehe, Princess Bride, great movie! To Blave!!!!!!

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Stargoat    28
Stargoat

Heh. Maybe we should all take a stab at one or more of these questions. It could be a lot of fun.

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